Running full circle

The past few months have been really interesting for me. I walked down a really dangerous path of unbelief, deceit, and just flat out darkness. I was so eager to get what I 'thought' I needed from people, that I was willing to compromise who I am in Christ to get it. Through this time,I definitely got what I 'thought' I wanted, and yet it was so not fulfilling, that I craved more and more from people, anyone who was willing to give me what I thought I needed, I was willing to take it...I was tormented with guilt,shame, unworthiness and condemnation through out this season...and then, I was confronted by two very dear to my heart women of the Lord, and I finally confessed, after trying to hide my sin again, the outcome was not what I though it would be. The choices I made, made me feel so unworty of love at all that I secluded myself from everyone around me, disconnected myself from everything, (sadly to say, even my children) I stopped going to church, listening to worship music, reading the Bible, praying etc...Through this time, I became very lonely, very apathetic, no desires, no passion for anything, and that is just not me! I knew what I needed to do, but didn't care or have the strength to do it, so I spent two months in a pit, got comfortable, and began to make it my home. I tried to justify all of this to myself by saying: "Who needs friends anyway? If all we need is Christ, then I am right where I need to be." If everyone but the Lord will fail you. hurt you and let you down, why have friends anyway?" or even, "the Lord is just taking "people" out of my life so that I can focus on my relationship with Him."(While the last statement could still be true to a point, I realize now that He was telling me, "April my beloved, I am a jealous God, and NO ONE can come before me, I love you too much to let anyone get in the way of what we have.") So, through my time of self pity etc... I ignored friends, I rebelled against the Lord, and ran in the complete opposite direction. But as you probably know so well, you can only run so far before you come complete circle and fall on you face before the Father in complete repentance, and that is where I stood less than a week ago. I was on my face before Him crying out for grace and forgiveness, not knowing what to do or where to go from there, I just stayed luke warm. It wasn't until yesterday July 28, 2012 that I was faced with a choice again, to chase what's scary, or to run just like I had before. There was a one day retreat I had signed up for, tried to get out of etc..well, granted it took me all morning to make my decision, I decided to run...this time to Him...I went kicking and screaming inside, but I did it! And the Lord was totally right there, the whole time. So many moments, I wanted to walk to my car and leave. I wanted to take the easy road and not have to face my fears. There was a point where we had moment to pray by ourselves (which I had just done the entire lunch break) or grab someone and ask for prayer. I felt like I wanted to ask my friend to pray with me, and so I boldly walked over to her and the words that came out of my mouth were not "would you pray with me" Instead I got scared and said "I think I am going to leave" I thought to myself, "what the heck was that?" then as she proceeded to give me "tough love and tell me I was an adult and could make my own decisions etc..." I felt worse than before I decided to go, and felt a wall welling up inside of me. God knew my heart in this and sent two lovely ladies who overheard what was going on to pray with me. Through brief conversation, short answers and awkward silences, I had one thought, that was more like a prayer "Lord, I wish someone would just hug me" That very moment, my friend said, "If it's not tough love that you need, than what is it?" I shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know" , and then what seemed like a decade of silence to me, she said" Do you want me to hug you?" I again shrugged my shoulders. In this moment the Lord reminded me that He even hears our thoughts and knows the desires of our heart. A minute passed by and she just reached her arms around me and the floodgates just poured from my heart. The break was over and I stayed the rest of the retreat. There was one more speaker, and as she spoke, it was as if she was speaking my heart, it was so incredible. I felt as though my heart softened to a place it had not been in so long, and the words were able to reach me, to sink in and not just sit on the surface until the wind blew them away. I said goodbye to some friends, apologized to a friend I felt I had spoken poorly to throughout the day. Confessed that I said what I didn't want to say. She was so gracious to me throughout the conversation, it was a huge blessing to be able to share my heart in all of it. The next hour or so, after everyone had left, was spent with a friend praying, breaking free from lies, un-forgiveness, shame, guilt, fear etc...Talking with the Lord, telling Him that I do forgive the people who have hurt me, naming those I forgive, and specifically calling out the things I was forgiving them for, it was so powerful. I actually thought I had forgiven them, but naming them and giving them to the Lord, laying all the things at His feet and asking God to bless them was so freeing, that I realized I hadn't truly forgiven them before. Breaking family chains that have kept me bound, my children bound etc...proclaiming the Lords favor on me and my family, freeing my family to live a God honoring life for generations to come, the whole time was just so powerful! And now, as I write this, my desire to seek the Lord is strong, my passions are on fire, and burning stronger than before! I know this isn't going to be an easy road, there are many uncertainties, things will not be perfect, it will be hard, but I am ready to step out in faith, let the Lord take my back and fight with me to let the April that is in me, the April He created me to be, burst out and shine His glory. Praise Him for divine appointments, prayer, healing, freedom, for using what the enemy meant to destroy, and turning it around for His good and to Glorify His precious name!