Running full circle

The past few months have been really interesting for me. I walked down a really dangerous path of unbelief, deceit, and just flat out darkness. I was so eager to get what I 'thought' I needed from people, that I was willing to compromise who I am in Christ to get it. Through this time,I definitely got what I 'thought' I wanted, and yet it was so not fulfilling, that I craved more and more from people, anyone who was willing to give me what I thought I needed, I was willing to take it...I was tormented with guilt,shame, unworthiness and condemnation through out this season...and then, I was confronted by two very dear to my heart women of the Lord, and I finally confessed, after trying to hide my sin again, the outcome was not what I though it would be. The choices I made, made me feel so unworty of love at all that I secluded myself from everyone around me, disconnected myself from everything, (sadly to say, even my children) I stopped going to church, listening to worship music, reading the Bible, praying etc...Through this time, I became very lonely, very apathetic, no desires, no passion for anything, and that is just not me! I knew what I needed to do, but didn't care or have the strength to do it, so I spent two months in a pit, got comfortable, and began to make it my home. I tried to justify all of this to myself by saying: "Who needs friends anyway? If all we need is Christ, then I am right where I need to be." If everyone but the Lord will fail you. hurt you and let you down, why have friends anyway?" or even, "the Lord is just taking "people" out of my life so that I can focus on my relationship with Him."(While the last statement could still be true to a point, I realize now that He was telling me, "April my beloved, I am a jealous God, and NO ONE can come before me, I love you too much to let anyone get in the way of what we have.") So, through my time of self pity etc... I ignored friends, I rebelled against the Lord, and ran in the complete opposite direction. But as you probably know so well, you can only run so far before you come complete circle and fall on you face before the Father in complete repentance, and that is where I stood less than a week ago. I was on my face before Him crying out for grace and forgiveness, not knowing what to do or where to go from there, I just stayed luke warm. It wasn't until yesterday July 28, 2012 that I was faced with a choice again, to chase what's scary, or to run just like I had before. There was a one day retreat I had signed up for, tried to get out of etc..well, granted it took me all morning to make my decision, I decided to run...this time to Him...I went kicking and screaming inside, but I did it! And the Lord was totally right there, the whole time. So many moments, I wanted to walk to my car and leave. I wanted to take the easy road and not have to face my fears. There was a point where we had moment to pray by ourselves (which I had just done the entire lunch break) or grab someone and ask for prayer. I felt like I wanted to ask my friend to pray with me, and so I boldly walked over to her and the words that came out of my mouth were not "would you pray with me" Instead I got scared and said "I think I am going to leave" I thought to myself, "what the heck was that?" then as she proceeded to give me "tough love and tell me I was an adult and could make my own decisions etc..." I felt worse than before I decided to go, and felt a wall welling up inside of me. God knew my heart in this and sent two lovely ladies who overheard what was going on to pray with me. Through brief conversation, short answers and awkward silences, I had one thought, that was more like a prayer "Lord, I wish someone would just hug me" That very moment, my friend said, "If it's not tough love that you need, than what is it?" I shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know" , and then what seemed like a decade of silence to me, she said" Do you want me to hug you?" I again shrugged my shoulders. In this moment the Lord reminded me that He even hears our thoughts and knows the desires of our heart. A minute passed by and she just reached her arms around me and the floodgates just poured from my heart. The break was over and I stayed the rest of the retreat. There was one more speaker, and as she spoke, it was as if she was speaking my heart, it was so incredible. I felt as though my heart softened to a place it had not been in so long, and the words were able to reach me, to sink in and not just sit on the surface until the wind blew them away. I said goodbye to some friends, apologized to a friend I felt I had spoken poorly to throughout the day. Confessed that I said what I didn't want to say. She was so gracious to me throughout the conversation, it was a huge blessing to be able to share my heart in all of it. The next hour or so, after everyone had left, was spent with a friend praying, breaking free from lies, un-forgiveness, shame, guilt, fear etc...Talking with the Lord, telling Him that I do forgive the people who have hurt me, naming those I forgive, and specifically calling out the things I was forgiving them for, it was so powerful. I actually thought I had forgiven them, but naming them and giving them to the Lord, laying all the things at His feet and asking God to bless them was so freeing, that I realized I hadn't truly forgiven them before. Breaking family chains that have kept me bound, my children bound etc...proclaiming the Lords favor on me and my family, freeing my family to live a God honoring life for generations to come, the whole time was just so powerful! And now, as I write this, my desire to seek the Lord is strong, my passions are on fire, and burning stronger than before! I know this isn't going to be an easy road, there are many uncertainties, things will not be perfect, it will be hard, but I am ready to step out in faith, let the Lord take my back and fight with me to let the April that is in me, the April He created me to be, burst out and shine His glory. Praise Him for divine appointments, prayer, healing, freedom, for using what the enemy meant to destroy, and turning it around for His good and to Glorify His precious name!

Email to a friend; turned blog :)

So, it's almost 2am and I can not sleep. I know it seems crazy that I haven't been sleeping, but for some reason the Lord is keeping me up longer and letting me sleep less. It is ok, and I am doing actually pretty well with it. There are so many things on my heart tonight, that I feel like I need to talk about, but for now, I will share just one. Tonight as I am lying awake praying, I am overwhelmed with an oppression for all the hurt this world has to face. I know I will never understand why horrible things have to happen to babies, children, teens, adults, everyone, it is just crazy, but I do know that God has everything in His hands. I strive to continue trusting that each day as I see just how disgusting this world is. Why is there not more Christians willing to fight for the people who need Christ? Why do we as Christians, just feel safer in our (as I have heard so often lately) "boxes" the ones in our "boxes" are fine, of course, let's continue fellow-shipping and putting our families first, as God calls us to do this but isn't there something we could do to reach out more. To spread the Gospel! Our role here is not to feel "safe" it is to put our lives on the line to reach out to the sick, the unsaved, the lonely the hungry. I know everything has it's place, but I am really feeling more and
more everyday that I am beginning to feel safer, looking for a box, to hide in, and that is not me! That is not who God has called me to be! I obviously have a heart for teens, I always have. But I also have a heart for the homeless children the mother who lost her children, for the child with out a father, mother or both, for the mean old lady who won't smile for the young boy who acts out in class and talks about weapons and blowing stuff up only to turn around and pray with a woman who lost her husband, the ones who most say, never have a chance in the real world, the list goes on and on. I need wisdom to figure out what exactly I am to be doing, and I need accountability to put my children before all of this. Please pray for wisdom with me to figure out where and what God really wants for me where I am. What is best for my family, and truly for me too, I seldom think of that,(helping me) and I think it is ok, but obviously as we know, we need to take care of ourselves as well, as our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. I need to take some time to work through a few things, but in that I do not want to stop being used by God where I can be used. In James it says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."

I know there are things in your life that you want/need wisdom for right now, there always is, no matter who you are. :) But if we remember these verses, we never have to wonder or worry, because God will give us the wisdom we need if we ask Him, weather through another person or a book, or just through what He shows us personally. It is an awesome reminder that we never have to fear not having wisdom in any areas of our lives. We just need to have faith w/ out a doubt! OK easier said than done, but I am praying for wisdom for you, for your relationships, your children, your finances, your ministries, friendships, etc...and I know God will be faithful to provide. I will encourage you to do the same, ask Him for the wisdom you need.
I also am going to pray for wisdom in my life, and if you want to, would you please pray for wisdom in my life as well.
There are so many new things happening in my life, opportunities to minister to others, to share the gospel with them, to show them love and let them know who that love is actually from. I know I can not do everything, and I can not save the world, in fact I can not save anyone, only God can! That is what is so amazing!!! He uses us in the lives of people, so we can praise Him and shout Glory to God in the Highest!! How can He get the glory He deserves if "Christians" are sitting comfortably inside their nice air conditioned boxes!

Praying for a dry fleece

This last year, I was struggling with the reality of God. I had so many questions I was never able to ask before, and as I was able to ask them, some more doubt crept in, Though it seems scary, God used it solely for His glory!

Judges 6:36:40: Then Gideon said to God, “If you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said, behold, I am laying a of wool on the threshing floor. If there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said.” And it was so. When he rose early next morning and squeezed the fleece, he wrung enough dew from the fleece to fill a bowl with water. Then Gideon said to God, “Let not your anger burn against me; let me speak just once more. Please let me test just once more with the fleece. Please let it be dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground let there be dew.” And God did so that night; and it was dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground there was dew.

Through all of my questioning, I was encouraged to lay out a fleece before God, like Gideon. To ask God to show me He is real. I was given an example of a man who laid out a fleece and asked God to reveal himself to him by making it snow, and it did! (In Southern Cali.) But I decided that if I was going to ask God to reveal himself to me, it would have to be something really BIG!
My fleece was that God would show me He was real, and that He truly loves me, by healing my
friend. I wanted her to be off her medication, and the doctors say that all her blood levels were normal! I wanted to see a living miracle. I wasn’t going to tell anyone what I asked for, and I remember asking my friend “Do you think it can be something big, like really big?” Her answer was “I think so, I don’t think there is a certain requirement for what you ask.” So I continued to have Faith that God would heal her. I eventually told my friend what I prayed for, and the day I told her, she said she felt such a peace about it, that she quit taking her medication! I was scared for her when she first shared that with me, but also continued trusting the Lord. I just knew she would be healed. She shared a verse with me one day a verse that the Lord gave her in a very awesome way! (You know one of those I-am-going-to-open-the-Bible-and-whatever-is-there-let it-speak-to-me-verses. Ha) It is a verse I will never forget, especially with the memories of that day. The verse is, Isaiah 7:11 (The Message) “Ask for a sign from God. Ask anything. Be extravagant. Ask for the moon!” And, that is just what I did!
2 months later, my friend was still off of her medication, and feeling great! She had never been off of it for more than 3 days w/ out feeling the effects and having to go back on it. Her doctor told her she would be on it for the rest of her life.
Then, something terrible happened. She had a miscarriage, that is one of the things that can happen when she is off of her medication. Well, I was feeling really bad, like it was my fault, I gave her false hope and then this happened. I thought God didn’t answer my prayer fully. She was still off her medication, doing better, but not miraculously healed. I continued to pray.
Nearly 3 months later, I called my friend, and she told me she got blood work done and was still off her medication, and all her blood levels were 100% normal! WOW!!! He heard me! He answered my prayer, He loves me and He is soooo real!!! Praise God that He answered my prayer, He did not have to! I was asking the God of the universe the creator of all things, to ‘prove’ that He is real. What in the world! BUT, He knows my heart, and my heart was longing so bad to see this in my own life, up close and personal. I am still in awe that God heard me!