Growing up in a home where my parents claimed to be Christians, but instead did really evil things, was very confusing for me. My Mom was married 5 times and 4 of the men were very abusive to us kids. From the time I was born until I ran away I was abused in every way imaginable by the men that came in and out of my life. Through all of it, the hardest part was watching them do what they did to my Mom.
When I was 10, my biological father passed away from a heroin overdose. This left me feeling alone and as if the only person who ever loved me was now gone. When I was 12, I ran away and started drinking, smoking pot and dabbling in meth. It was then that I was at a friend’s house one night when her 16 year old cousin (my brother’s best friend) and his friend violently raped me. I was able to get away from that place, but still I found myself hopping from house to house and from scary place to scarier place.
My theory through high school was this: "Believing in God is like believing in Santa Claus.....everyone has to have something to believe in." I believed in God because everyone had to believe in something. But it didn't change the way I acted or the way I lived my life, so obviously I really didn't believe in Him. I actually told people that I believed in God and that I was a Christian. What an example I was! I continued to allow myself to be in bad places and once again, at age 15, I was raped, this time by a friend I did drugs with. When I was 16, I started drinking more and doing more drugs; I was dealing meth from a friend’s house, going to parties, doing ecstasy, everything you could think of. When I was 17, my great grandma passed away and I started to realize that I was exactly what I never wanted to be: I was just like everyone else in my family. So, I began to try and clean up the pieces of my life.
About this time I ran into an old friend from high school. We started to date, and eventually decided to live together. When I was 19, I found out I was pregnant. We got engaged right away and we married three months later. After my first child, Ryan, was born, I decided that I wanted to raise him in church because I thought if I did, maybe he would live a better life than I did. After two years of going to church and one more baby later – little Emma - God opened my eyes and ears to His saving grace and I responded. He regenerated my hard heart and my life was definitely, truly changed. God had raised me from the dead! My circumstances did not change, but the way I learned to react in the midst of my struggles changed dramatically. God never tells us that our lives will be easy, but He does promise to be forever with those who trust in Him.
My marriage had been a struggle from day one, fighting constantly, yelling, name calling, hitting, etc. After four years I was tired and ready to give up. Instead of turning to God, however, I turned to another “friend”, someone who said he understood me. That relationship turned into much more. I turned to man instead of God for my hurt. After a lot of prayer and turning back to God, our marriage had been restored. God led me to repentance. Because of Him, the next two years of marriage we were doing very well; even in the midst of our personal trials we were loving our Lord, ministering to our children, and fostering a 15 year old girl….all for His glory!!
***November 11th 2009 Satan attacked again when my husband informed me he wanted a divorce. It was hours later that he told me he had been having an affair and had been seeing this woman throughout our entire marriage. I sought counseling and did everything I could to save our marriage. My prayers in the beginning were "Lord bring him back to me, soften his heart and make him repent. I love him and want to be a family again."
After a couple years, moving to Grants Pass, meeting a wonderful Family, who I now can call family, an amazing course called NEXT, (You can read about this part of my life in another post.) And most important, God’s love and reality revealed to me in such a HUGE way, I have come to a place (The divorce in now final) where I can say "Lord you know the desires of my heart, but you also know what is best for me and my children. I trust you in what you are doing and know that you have something in mind for us that is far better than anything I could possibly imagine. As Job says in chapter 1 vs 21 "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away Blessed be the name of the Lord" If the Lord wanted my marriage restored, my marriage would have been, and still could be restored, if He chooses to bring another man in my life, or keep me single until the day I die, all praise to Him...I trust Him in His control over all things! I am content with just Him! A husband would just be an addition to the love I receive from the Lord!
In May I received full guardianship of my daughter Karisa! I am ecstatic to have her legally as part of our family, though she has been family since day one.
As of a couple weeks ago, my family is back in Central Point, and growing! I am now fostering a 16 year old young lady who is due with a baby boy in 5 weeks! When he is born, if things work out as the state has planned, I will officially have a 17, 16, 7, 4, and an infant in my care! Although, a very difficult situation, I am so excited for the opportunity to be here for her! God truly has a way of taking the bad, or should I say, “what we think is bad,” and using it to further His Kingdom!
So..With the Lord’s help, I am making the best of a situation, that a friend and I actually laughed at the thought of!
I am loving, living out Matthew 6:34“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Once I realized He had a plan in all of this too, it has been so freeing to not have to worry about anything, knowing God has planned every moment of my life.
So, as you see, it was about age seven in good news club that God revealed His love and grace to me, but truly, not until age 24 - through the friendship and influence of Godly men and women – did His love and grace begin to emerge in my life. This was when I began accepting His word as truth. So, as you can see, my change was not an overnight one but a process, one I am in now and will forever be in.
Everyone sins and falls short of Gods glory (Romans 3:23), but He is quick to forgive when we come to repentance. I love the Lord so much and I want to praise Him for how amazing His love for me truly is. For whatever reason, He has chosen me for His kingdom, and allowed me, too, to go through some very rough times in my life. Although they were extremely hurtful, and there are scars, I know it was all for His glorious purposes, and I praise Him for those things!! Genesis 50:20 reminds me that the enemy meant these things for evil, but God meant them for His good. I know this to be true because I wouldn't have the compassion I do now for people if those things hadn’t happened to me. Through my trials, God has been glorified! I love this about Him! Even through the darkest times, when there seemed to be no hope at all, God never let me down!! If it wasn't for Him, I would not be where I am today, let alone here at all. God truly does have a purpose for my life, just as he does for all His children. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Remember that truth anytime you are feeling like there is no hope. He will see you through!!! He loves you, He created you, you are His child, and He will NEVER leave you...NEVER!!! I mean this...even if you are in that place right now, and you think it could never get better, and you feel that there's no hope, I want to tell you from someone who's been there that there is hope...Jesus Christ is your hope! Pray and reach out to God for the healing that you so desire. No matter what it is, God will be there for you; He loves you and has a purpose for your life! Our sin stands in the way of God's purpose but Jesus Christ is the way of salvation…the only way. We must respond in faith to Jesus, however, to receive this salvation. Jesus said, "I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but through me." (John 14:6). I am a Christian saved by grace. A Christian is a person who accepts Jesus Christ as Lord (boss) of their life. The Bible tells us that Jesus came to bring us hope, forgiveness of sin, and eternal life with God.
***Please look for my updated testimony as the months go by...as you see...this is only my testimony...so far :) Thank you Lord!!!
****This was very difficult for me to publish, it is very open, very real and leaves me feeling very vulnerable. I am open to ANY questions or comments.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Canceled Departure Date
Well, Today is the day we were suppose to leave on our trip across the states and into Canada. I had been looking forward to doing this for a looong time, almost a whole year. I am so sad that it didn’t work out, and I miss my dear friends more than ever.
I started off the day by talking to my cousin for over an hour, She lives in Washington. We were going to be at her house for a couple of days before heading off to Yellowstone National Park for Ryan’s Birthday. It would have been great for us to meet each others family.
We had a really awesome conversation, and we both feel the same way in a lot of areas. I wish we could have seen her too, maybe we can make it to her Baby Shower in August though!
After that, I woke the kids up and headed to the Children’s Festival in Jacksonville! We had a wonderful time! The kids make sand hands every year, but this year, I did too! The way we did it was really awesome! We all 3 did it together rather than individually. I put a picture on her for you to see. We also did many other crafts, and Ryans favorite; we panned for gold!
I tried to stop at the Jacksonville Childrens Museum, but quickly found that they are permanently closed due to lack of funds. :( I remember going there on school field trips when I was little, and I loved it!
We continued on our journey, stopped to see a cute kitten, went to lunch, and then the kids went swimming at Grandmas while I went home and got some stuff done. The kids wanted to stay with Grandma for dinner, so I agreed and tried to spend some quality time with Karisa.
This time quickly turned into if Karisa doesn’t get her way, everyone is miserable.
I seriously can not believe the things she said to me today, they hurt more than things she has ever said to me, she was so nasty and I don’t understand at all. It all began and felt like it would never end, over a redbull vs rockstar. Redbull was cheaper, she grabbed a rockstar, I wondered why she did, when she usually drinks redbulls anyway, and she threw the rockstar into the cold fridge, yelled at me told me I was crazy, and stomped out the door.
Some of the appropriate things I can share on her that she says, are things like this: You are stupid, you are dumb, do you enjoy torturing me with your presence, I am done with you, I don’t care about you or your family, let me live my life and you live yours, I don’t even like spending time with you because I hate you, you make my life miserable, etc...on and on, and so much worse. Today I wish someone was there just to witness it, because to everyone else she is so polite and sweet and caring etc...it is just so hard. I love her though and that is why I continue to have her in my home. I truly love her as my own daughter.
Soooo with all of this, my day has been kept pretty busy with not much time to think about not going on this trip I had planned for my family. I guess God really knows what we need, even if it is hard! ;)
I started off the day by talking to my cousin for over an hour, She lives in Washington. We were going to be at her house for a couple of days before heading off to Yellowstone National Park for Ryan’s Birthday. It would have been great for us to meet each others family.
We had a really awesome conversation, and we both feel the same way in a lot of areas. I wish we could have seen her too, maybe we can make it to her Baby Shower in August though!
After that, I woke the kids up and headed to the Children’s Festival in Jacksonville! We had a wonderful time! The kids make sand hands every year, but this year, I did too! The way we did it was really awesome! We all 3 did it together rather than individually. I put a picture on her for you to see. We also did many other crafts, and Ryans favorite; we panned for gold!
I tried to stop at the Jacksonville Childrens Museum, but quickly found that they are permanently closed due to lack of funds. :( I remember going there on school field trips when I was little, and I loved it!
We continued on our journey, stopped to see a cute kitten, went to lunch, and then the kids went swimming at Grandmas while I went home and got some stuff done. The kids wanted to stay with Grandma for dinner, so I agreed and tried to spend some quality time with Karisa.
This time quickly turned into if Karisa doesn’t get her way, everyone is miserable.
I seriously can not believe the things she said to me today, they hurt more than things she has ever said to me, she was so nasty and I don’t understand at all. It all began and felt like it would never end, over a redbull vs rockstar. Redbull was cheaper, she grabbed a rockstar, I wondered why she did, when she usually drinks redbulls anyway, and she threw the rockstar into the cold fridge, yelled at me told me I was crazy, and stomped out the door.
Some of the appropriate things I can share on her that she says, are things like this: You are stupid, you are dumb, do you enjoy torturing me with your presence, I am done with you, I don’t care about you or your family, let me live my life and you live yours, I don’t even like spending time with you because I hate you, you make my life miserable, etc...on and on, and so much worse. Today I wish someone was there just to witness it, because to everyone else she is so polite and sweet and caring etc...it is just so hard. I love her though and that is why I continue to have her in my home. I truly love her as my own daughter.
Soooo with all of this, my day has been kept pretty busy with not much time to think about not going on this trip I had planned for my family. I guess God really knows what we need, even if it is hard! ;)
Monday, July 11, 2011
Just another day
Today has been a rough day with my 17 year old daughter. I lost my temper a little bit but quickly regained my cool. Sometimes it is so hard not to react to the circumstances, and the words she so often uses to hurt me, or anyone for that matter.
I bought T-bone steak to cook for her boyfriends first time over for dinner. His car overheated on the way into town and so when he got here, I let them take my car. I was a bit nervous, but I trusted him to be careful. When they got back, my daughter was so upset that this town is boring and there is nothing to do here. She went to her room and locked the door. I tried to talk to her and reason with her, but she began to cut me down, and then talk about how her life sucks and she has no life etc...She kept saying there was no point in anything, and at that point, there is nothing I can do. She started calling me crazy and controlling and worse things, as I shared with her that this life is not about her, that all she thinks about is her and her fleshly desires and that when everything is going fine, she is so sweet and kind, but as soon as something doesn’t go her way or the way she wants it to go, she is nasty. She immediately went down the pity party road as she always does and started saying things like, I guess I am selfish then, if you say so, it is all about me, and it always will be. I KNOW I shouldn’t expect any more from her as I do not see fruit as her being a true believer, and it does not justify my thoughts or actions, but I just get so hurt sometimes that I can not always control my anger with her. There was so much more to this day that made it hard, but this is just a tiny insight to what a normal day with her is like. I wish you could be here to witness this and see what it is like, it makes it so hard on my kids as well, and I don’t always know what to do about it. If you want to pray for my relationship with my daughter, please do, I really would appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening to me.
Other than this, today has been pretty good. I woke up, gave my 2 littles a bath, read to them. Watched a long promised family movie with them, baked bread, made spaghetti for lunch filled out my long overdue service logs from May, while the kids had some quiet reading time to themselves. Left to turn in service logs, my dear friend Cali (who by chance happens to be my 2nd grade teacher)stopped by to see how the house is looking, had an amazing dinner. (T-bone, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and home made bread!) Prayed with the kids, got them into bed, took a bath in my lovely oversized tub, while reading crazy love with some light worship music and a glass of wine. So, even in the midst of trials, God gives us time to rest, Thank you Lord for all you are doing in my life, please help me to continue being joyful, and loving my family as a mother, and leading my family as the head of the house, with you as our covering. Amen
P.S.
God is so faithful to provide! I just found out that Socstc has a girl that needs to be placed for 2 months, she is 16 and pregnant. I will be getting paid a substancial amount of money to care for her for these 2 months or more depending on what God has! Why do I doubt Him!!! Praising God for His sovereign hand in all of our lives! Keep trusting Him! Nothing is last minute with Him!
I bought T-bone steak to cook for her boyfriends first time over for dinner. His car overheated on the way into town and so when he got here, I let them take my car. I was a bit nervous, but I trusted him to be careful. When they got back, my daughter was so upset that this town is boring and there is nothing to do here. She went to her room and locked the door. I tried to talk to her and reason with her, but she began to cut me down, and then talk about how her life sucks and she has no life etc...She kept saying there was no point in anything, and at that point, there is nothing I can do. She started calling me crazy and controlling and worse things, as I shared with her that this life is not about her, that all she thinks about is her and her fleshly desires and that when everything is going fine, she is so sweet and kind, but as soon as something doesn’t go her way or the way she wants it to go, she is nasty. She immediately went down the pity party road as she always does and started saying things like, I guess I am selfish then, if you say so, it is all about me, and it always will be. I KNOW I shouldn’t expect any more from her as I do not see fruit as her being a true believer, and it does not justify my thoughts or actions, but I just get so hurt sometimes that I can not always control my anger with her. There was so much more to this day that made it hard, but this is just a tiny insight to what a normal day with her is like. I wish you could be here to witness this and see what it is like, it makes it so hard on my kids as well, and I don’t always know what to do about it. If you want to pray for my relationship with my daughter, please do, I really would appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening to me.
Other than this, today has been pretty good. I woke up, gave my 2 littles a bath, read to them. Watched a long promised family movie with them, baked bread, made spaghetti for lunch filled out my long overdue service logs from May, while the kids had some quiet reading time to themselves. Left to turn in service logs, my dear friend Cali (who by chance happens to be my 2nd grade teacher)stopped by to see how the house is looking, had an amazing dinner. (T-bone, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and home made bread!) Prayed with the kids, got them into bed, took a bath in my lovely oversized tub, while reading crazy love with some light worship music and a glass of wine. So, even in the midst of trials, God gives us time to rest, Thank you Lord for all you are doing in my life, please help me to continue being joyful, and loving my family as a mother, and leading my family as the head of the house, with you as our covering. Amen
P.S.
God is so faithful to provide! I just found out that Socstc has a girl that needs to be placed for 2 months, she is 16 and pregnant. I will be getting paid a substancial amount of money to care for her for these 2 months or more depending on what God has! Why do I doubt Him!!! Praising God for His sovereign hand in all of our lives! Keep trusting Him! Nothing is last minute with Him!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Depression/Despair
I've been thinking....How can one who is elect in the Kingdom of God truly be depressed to the point of despair? I understand and do believe there are times in our lives of sadness, always still with the hope of what's to come, but utter despair/hopelessness, how could that be? People argue this with Job's story. I know you can be sad, and Job, was sad, but He trusted the Lord and had eternal hope. I have struggled with depression in my life, and I know that when I felt truly hopeless, and felt like there was nothing to live for, I was not fully trusting the Lord in my trials. Our only hope should come from Christ, and if we are hopeless what is it that we were hoping in?, where was our focus? I am going through a very devastating time in my life right now, and at first, I felt depressed, like there was no hope, but my eyes and heart were not where they truly needed to be, now, though there are times of sadness, my hope is fully in Christ as I continue to keep my eyes on Him,and that gives me great Joy, even in the midst of my sadness. I know God is in control of all things, and all things are for my good and His glory :) God knows what is best for His children. Trust Him.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)