Redeemed Intimacy

Reflecting back on times in my life that have left me despising that word...the I word...Yep, Intimacy. At a very young age true, pure intimacy was shattered by abuse. Verbal, Physical, emotional and sexual abuse were all factors in my early definition of intimacy. (Intimacy; Yuck!) Year after year, I desired a closeness with someone, anyone. I didn't know why, people were close to me right? Yet my heart yearned to be touched by another soul. People came in and out of my life as a young adult sharing with me how the intimacy they had with Christ helped them through their darkest loneliest days. So I sought and I prayed and I read books and I cried out to Him, yet continued to resist Him. I didn't want the only one who wasn't suppose to hurt me, to be able to hurt me. I didn't trust it and I was afraid. Why would Christ want an intimacy with me anyway? Wouldn't that make Him just like everyone else, that's just weird. Well, the years just kept passing by I was married, had children and I thought he would be different but as he also sexualized intimacy even before we were married, I grieved and was so alone. It was always the ones who were suppose to love me the most, My Mother, My Father's, My family, my friends, and now, even my Husband. Years passed, and I grew closer to the Lord. I grew to know him in a way that was safe. When my husband left me for another girl, I pressed into Christ more and more. Developed a relationship I never thought possible. I did not realize it was all head knowledge, doctrine and theology. Of course some was heart, but not deep inside every part of who I am. Five years after my divorce, the Lord brought someone into my life. Someone who is an absolute addition to what I have already have with Christ, however, until recently I felt something was still missing. I began to pray and cry out to the Lord again for that knowing, for that deep....what was the word, I couldn't think of it, oh yeah! Intimacy. Somehow being in relationship with this man has shown me that intimacy does not have to be about sex. Intimacy is two people face to face, heart to heart, connecting and communicating with 100% transparency. I have never experienced this before in my life, and as I began to experience this with a flawed human, I realized how much more it cold be with Christ. Now as I cry out to him, I see it I feel it and I know that I have a true intimate relationship with Christ, it is not yucky or slimy or dirty, but pure real true love. I don't know how I could have really ever truly loved without experiencing this first. What a great reminder that God uses our fleshly relationships to bring us face to face with Him so we too can reflect His true light and true love in this world that can show so much darkness.