Created to be His

Tuesday, November 26, 2019

Darkness is broken by silent footsteps.
The only distance is the bathroom in between.
Pulling the blankets higher trying to disappear.
Hoping to wake up, I don’t.
Imagination has become my reality.
Sinking further into my bed,
the water rushes over me.
It takes me to a place where I can breathe.
Rising above the waves,
no one can find me here.
I can feel the sun stinging my cheeks.
I can hear the roaring of the ocean,
crashing, crashing, crashing
so repetitive it’s almost soothing.
Almost.
Stillness again surrounds me.
Darkness resurfaces.
Eyes startled open by coldness.
The unused space of plastic waterbed,
piercing my naked skin.
Warmth below the sheets.
No recollection of what just happened
or how I got cut to bleed.
My insides ripping in pain.
Confusion sets in.
I grab a towel to clean myself,
get back into bed.
I lie there emotionless,
as apathy becomes my only friend.

Thursday, November 21, 2019

Empty Cup

O Lord

My Innocence was taken

not by one but by many.
Words once felt with such passion

now left dripping with silence.
Moment by moment my worth
drowned in condemnation.
Thrown against the wall.
The screams for justice,
erased from my lips.
Value ripped from my heart.
Emptiness deep inside my soul.
The one who brought me life
killed who I was created to be.
Will you leave me here with no restoration?
Smiles and laughter cover the wounds
too thin to keep them from seeping.
No sense of identity.
The blood continues to pour,
not from hands afar
but from my own.
Has your spirit fled my soul?
Darkness seems the only answer
as the light is more than black.
My life has ended in this place,
yet my heart continues to beat.
I’m lost and I’m scared
Is this the end?
Or will you come take my cup
and fill it with your love?

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Hope in death

My Father died an unbeliever

Here is a picture of my Dad and I. A picture I never even knew existed, until this fall when my

Uncle presented me with it. I cherish it, I have it next to my bed on the end table. It is to me a

precious, earthly possession, which I know has no value eternally.

When I see this photo, my heart hurts, and it rejoices. It rejoices in life, and it hurts in death.

It makes we want to jump into the picture and share the gospel with my Dad!

I want to share with him how much Jesus loves him and that He died for him and that he needs

to repent and live his life for the Lord! I want to bring him to church and sing songs of praise!

I want him to know the joy I know because of who Christ is!

You see, my father died an unbeliever, a painful tragic death. A death that could have been

prevented had he chose not to stick needles in his vein or

drink another drink.

To bring themselves comfort, some may say different, that he knew who God was, but doesn’t

the serpent also knows who God is and believe in Him. My father’s life showed no fruit, no

repentance, and no love for our Creator.

I may talk highly of my Dad, to honor his name. I realized though that hiding the truth even in

honoring your parents, is lying and lying is a sin, and sin never brings honor. I don’t know 100%

that my father is in hell, or 100% that my father is in heaven, the truth is,

there is only a 50/50 chance.

I have slight hope in scriptures such as “The thief on the cross” in Luke chapter 23.

When we find that this wicked man’s heart was regenerated in the last moments of his life,

and his sins were completely forgiven and he was promised eternal life in paradise.

Or in the fact that God’s mercy is incomprehensible.

In Romans 9 he says to Moses: “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy and I will have

compassion on whom I have compassion.

So then it does not depend on human will or exertion but on God, who has mercy.”

It’s hard to have hope in the maybe.

Maybe God chose to give mercy and compassion to my father, maybe he didn’t ...

What if he is in heaven? What if he is in hell? What if he hadn’t been abusive?...

Why did he have to use drugs? Why wasn’t I raised by a Godly father?...

I have found no real hope in the maybe’s. It’s been hard to process the maybe’s.

It’s been hard to grieve the maybe’s. It’s been hard to understand the maybe.

It’s been hard to not be angry in the maybe’s.

I have found no real hope in the what if’s. It’s been hard to process the what if’s.

It’s been hard to grieve the what if’s. It’s been hard to understand the what if’s.

It’s been hard to not be angry in the what if’s.

I have found no hope in the why’s. It’s been hard to process the why’s.

It’s been hard to grieve the why’s. It’s been hard to understand the why’s.

It’s been hard to not be angry in the why’s.

I think it’s not just hard, but impossible to have hope in the maybe’s the what if’s

and the why’s, because this is not what God calls us to have hope in.

I realized this year, that I will NEVER have full confidence in the eternal state of my father

or any other family members I have lost throughout the years.

True hope and joy

My true hope however, is not defined by what eternal existence my earthly father has,

but the eternal existence that my Heavenly Father has!

Whichever the truth of my earthly fathers eternity, I can still have joy! Not in his suffering,

or the loss of someone I loved dearly, but because of the suffering Christ endured on the cross,

the loss of God’s only begotten son.

Joy in the resurrected Christ seated at the right hand of God!

My joy is great because I know that there is no injustice with Christ! None at all!

Not even in this!

Romans 9:14 says: “What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all!”

I count this trial in my life as joy! I count this trial in my life as one that has allowed the Lord to

give me perseverance. I count this trial in my life as a reason to be thankful.

Thankful that through this loss and the grief that I do have, that God has shown me life!

He has given me a hope and joy that I can not fathom! He has given me confidence,

and hope in my future glory with him.

He has been the perfect Father, in my fatherless life.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

23 years 8 months 9 days 12 hours 17 minutes 10 seconds

The iron gates are open on each side of the cemetery.
This all too familiar call.
My heart beats a little faster when I am here.
Perhaps in hope.
Hope of one more memory.

One more smile.

One more moment where my life was standing still.

I drive down the same path each time.
My grandmother I never knew on one side.
Precious babies from broken families on the other.
Straight ahead I see the building where Daddy's body was last exposed to the light of this earth.
The smell in that room has never changed.
It takes me back to the day we laid his body to rest.
The faint purple hue of his skin and his lips.
The way they laid his arms across his body so naturally.

As if he were only sleeping.
This is the last image I have of my father.
I park my car where I always do.
I open my door and step out into the ever-present breeze that lingers here.
Looking down I slowly walk up to his plot.
The stone, faded and weathered from the passing seasons throughout the years.
Ninety five seasons to be exact.
Looks as if no one has been here, as if no one remembers.
No matter how dim the stone becomes.
When I look at his name, it is so bright.
Like this is the only stone ever laid in this yard.
STEVEN E.COMPTON
It jumps out and pierces me.
The constant dull ache is awoken.
Becomes more than I can bare.
I quickly contain all that is within.
I've sat on this hill more than a dozen times.

In this same way, silenced
Hiding my pain.
Holding back the deep groans from within.
Careful to never shed a tear.
Feeling the crushing weight of my pain.

The pain that began so many years ago.

All the things he has missed.

All the smiles he has given up.

All the laughter he has silenced.

The innocence he has stolen.

Wincing, I look away.

I notice the big sturdy trees.

They were just young saplings, as was I the first day I stood on this hill.

My head began to spin...

Watching this beautiful life unfold.

A young girl dancing in a field of daisies

Her lace lined blue dress flowing around her.

Something happened, something changed

There is now this dark presence creeping upon her.

Waiting to suffocate any joy she may encounter.

For years she tried to feel.

Even allowing feelings to become an idol.

Willing to do or say anything.

Just to get a glimpse of what it was like.

It was never real.

She shed a tear.

Then laughed and cried again.

Muscle memory took over.

She choked back what was coming to the surface.

Looking around making sure no one was watching.

I was watching.

I saw something she couldn’t see.

Each tear she shed was slowly lifting the darkness.

Her beauty was shining through the cracks.

Something strange is happening to me.

Something is dripping down my face.

Did it rain? No.

I cried.

I cried because I was sad.

I shed a tear, a real vulnerable tear.

I don't feel sad for this though, I feel joy!

This girl I see dancing around in a field of daisies, it is me.

Out of fear.

Fear and shame.

I hold back my tears.

Causing me to also hold back my joy.

It's keeping me from being vulnerable.

From sharing the deepest parts of myself.

Who God created me to be.

The Lord is redeeming me.

Through one tear.

He is allowing me to feel again.

I am overjoyed.

I know I have many more tears to shed.

This is a process.

Part of my sanctification.

I am thankful He is walking with me through it.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Redeemed Intimacy

Reflecting back on times in my life that have left me despising that word...the I word...Yep, Intimacy. At a very young age true, pure intimacy was shattered by abuse. Verbal, Physical, emotional and sexual abuse were all factors in my early definition of intimacy. (Intimacy; Yuck!) Year after year, I desired a closeness with someone, anyone. I didn't know why, people were close to me right? Yet my heart yearned to be touched by another soul. People came in and out of my life as a young adult sharing with me how the intimacy they had with Christ helped them through their darkest loneliest days. So I sought and I prayed and I read books and I cried out to Him, yet continued to resist Him. I didn't want the only one who wasn't suppose to hurt me, to be able to hurt me. I didn't trust it and I was afraid. Why would Christ want an intimacy with me anyway? Wouldn't that make Him just like everyone else, that's just weird. Well, the years just kept passing by I was married, had children and I thought he would be different but as he also sexualized intimacy even before we were married, I grieved and was so alone. It was always the ones who were suppose to love me the most, My Mother, My Father's, My family, my friends, and now, even my Husband. Years passed, and I grew closer to the Lord. I grew to know him in a way that was safe. When my husband left me for another girl, I pressed into Christ more and more. Developed a relationship I never thought possible. I did not realize it was all head knowledge, doctrine and theology. Of course some was heart, but not deep inside every part of who I am. Five years after my divorce, the Lord brought someone into my life. Someone who is an absolute addition to what I have already have with Christ, however, until recently I felt something was still missing. I began to pray and cry out to the Lord again for that knowing, for that deep....what was the word, I couldn't think of it, oh yeah! Intimacy. Somehow being in relationship with this man has shown me that intimacy does not have to be about sex. Intimacy is two people face to face, heart to heart, connecting and communicating with 100% transparency. I have never experienced this before in my life, and as I began to experience this with a flawed human, I realized how much more it cold be with Christ. Now as I cry out to him, I see it I feel it and I know that I have a true intimate relationship with Christ, it is not yucky or slimy or dirty, but pure real true love. I don't know how I could have really ever truly loved without experiencing this first. What a great reminder that God uses our fleshly relationships to bring us face to face with Him so we too can reflect His true light and true love in this world that can show so much darkness.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

♪♫ There is a song in my heart! This is so on my heart, and really hope you will take time to read it. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ No matter who you are, what you have done, where you have been, who you have been with, where you are at, I just want you to know that I love you. I love you so much and want you to know you are completely and totally worth the purest of all love, His love, and if I love you this much, I can't even fathom the kind of love that God has for you. I think if I had to feel anymore passionate about this I may not live another day. ♥ I seriously want every one of you that sees this, who is struggling in any way, to just take a moment, quiet your heart and then say this out loud. "There is only one me, I am amazing, unique and incredibly valuable. I am worthy of love, and redemption, because the redeemer says I am. I am already set free because He came to set me free!" Maybe you don't feel it, but please say it, say it because it's the truth, and the more you focus on the truth the more the truth becomes reality for your daily life, and I desire so deeply that each of you believe this as total truth and reality for your life, and I believe He desires it so much more than me. I am praying right now, that each man, woman, boy and girl who speaks this, or even just quietly reads the words, no matter where you are at in life, can feel, or will soon feel the Father's embrace as He gently reminds you who you are to Him, no matter where you came and or are coming from, where He desires to take you is a journey so overwhelmingly marvelous no words could even begin to describe it. Things will still happen, life will still have tough moments, doubt will creep in, you will fall, but He will ALWAYS pick you back up. I was texting a young woman today and was reminded myself, that the "Time is now" when I said to her:"Tomorrow is not a promise, but a chance"(Rachel Scott) I thought oh man! The time is Now, no more waiting, processing, thinking, just jump, like Benaiah...right into the pit with the Lion. The bunny, the bear, the... whatever it is for you that you fear, Just jump because this fight is not ours, it's time to surrender, when we do we will realize we are jumping into His arms, not into our fear...I need to do this too. I decided that today is the day, He has my all, He is in control, so here, right now, I pick myself up, and I begin again...these words are so hard for me and I may not believe them all still, but I am going to choose to believe Him and if I believe Him, then this is true, for me and for you! I April am the only me. I am amazing and unique and incredibly valuable. I am worthy of love, and redemption, because the redeemer says I am. I am already set free because He came to set me free, it's my time to fly!" Amen!! I am seriously praying, and want to give everyone a giant hug and wipe tears and cry tears of joy for new beginnings!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Gospel

Today I was reminiscing and was quietly reminded that I am a living breathing Gospel Here is my heart on the matter of the Gospel: Before I was blessed to be part of an excellent program called NEXT, my answer to the question, What is the Gospel? Would have been something like “I don’t know”, or John 3:16. Now, if someone asked me, I may say something like this; I believe the Gospel is not only John 3:16, the Romans Road, or something shared with words, scripture, a little prayer etc...The Gospel is that Christ died on the Cross bearing all our sins so we could be forgiven now, and live our lives as forgiven and set free NOW not just when we die. To me the Gospel is also very much something we share by living it, living as forgiven. living “in” Christ! Sanctified already!!! Christ covered ALL of our sins from the time He cried out: "It is finished" Jesus is the living example for us as believers, and so, we should be living examples for others. John 1:14 say that the word became flesh (Christ) So essentially Jesus’ life was Gods word living and active! God uses peoples lives as signs of Him, and what He is doing like Hosea, His life was a living breathing sign of what was going to happen with the destruction Israel. And in our walk with the Lord, We can be living breathing “Gospels!" What a neat testimony it would be if in the end people could say "Wow! In that persons life, the Gospel became flesh."